But with all the unpredictability of night following day, the producers have sprung a “shock” BIG TWIST….there is no public vote! But instead the ‘next generation’ of judges will be beaming one of their own acts straight out of the contest.

So which four will be going from X Factor to Ex Factor? We try and separate the Gaga from the kaka, the Adeles from the Pure Hells, the…oh you get the idea..

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The Groups

2 Shoes

They may look as if they’ve been dressed by a blind drag queen but 2 Shoes pair have two things going for them: they are very likeable and they can sing. That’s a couple of qualities in scarce supply in the Groups category this year.

The Essex girls offer the public a clear concept which will see 2 Shoes walking it at least for the first few weeks.

The Risk

Tulisa put this four-piece band together from the ruins of two terrible boybands, The Risk and The Keys. If only she had titled them The Risky Keys…it would reflect not only their origins but also their singing ability.

They look as credible as Sinitta claiming to be an expert on music and as comfortable as a Sharon Osborne – Dannii Minogue reunion – but they will get through as Tulisa will want to vindicate her own decision to create this ‘super’-group. I suspect the public will prove to be risk-adverse in the near future.

Nu Vibe

Bit of a worry having two similar boybands in the same category, but the public will choose which to ditch first.

“I used to be a bad lad” says one of the Nu Vibe (frequently), “but I’ve changed”. Yes, bad lad no more, he’s just a bad singer now. And if these are the Nu Vibe, I’ll take the Old Vibe every time. Honestly do they never learn the lessons of the past – First Rule of X Factor: groups with stupid spellings of their name will always Krash n Burrrn.

Rhythmix

Is no-one listening – First Rule of X Factor….Rhythmix???

Which brings me to the Second Rule of X Factor: Girl bands are cannon fodder for the early rounds of the live shows. In the Great Book of Cowell, it states that “Ne’er Shall A Clutch o’ Labia in close proximity maketh it to Big Band Weeke”

These girls had never sung together before judge’s house and it showed. It sounded as if they had never even met each before their violation of the Fergie song. Big Girls Don’t Cry? They would if they had to listen to much more of this. Rhythmix don’t so much as nail the harmonies, as crucify them.

Gimlet says: Rhythmix will be beating a path to the Out Door this week

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The Overs

Kitty Brucknell

Oh isn’t she controversial? Er…not really.

Love her or loathe her, everyone’s talking about her! Er…everyone’s yawning.

“People don’t get me as an artist” moaned Kitty, having just read Katie Waissel’s new book ‘How To Win Fans and Influence Voters’. She has gone about attracting media attention with all the subtlety of X Factor’s SHOUTY VOICEOVER MAN with a megaphone on full.

“I like to push people’s buttons” purred Kitty. She needs to make sure it isn’t the Off Button they are reaching for.

Johnny Robinson

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a camp Mr Muscle? Yes it’s Johnny, the bedsit diva.

He’s like Dot Cotton’s long-lost son crossed with Diana Ross’ singing voice on helium. He’s likeable, polite, and has a natural vulnerability which will see him safely through to mid-table until it dawns on viewers that they would never buy a record of his even at gunpoint.

Jonjo Kerr

When Louis told Jonjo that he was through to his final four, I’m not sure he expected the contestant to leap on him with such fervour. It was as if  both their Christmases has come early. Certainly soldier boy Jonjo’s bayonet training will have stood him in good stead.

Given his Army credentials, a vote against Jonjo is a vote against ‘Our boys’. Only Jonjo will manoeuvre an early demob for himself by forgetting the lyrics again for the umpteenth time.

Sami Brookes

Poor Sami didn’t even make it into Louis’ original final place. The marvellous Goldie won that place and the nation’s admiration by throwing a net over Sinitta’s head poolside in Barcelona.

Sami mixes Michelle McManus’ ability to belt, a look of Sonia from Eastenders sans trumpet and Jane McDonald’s common touch – and if that’s not a cocktail that’ll have you running for the hills, I don’t know what would be.

Gimlet says: Without the column or penile inches of the other contestants in her group so beloved by their mentor, Louis will be waving goodbye to Sami for the second time

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The Girls

Janet Devlin

She’s kookie, she wears floaty skirts, she sings barefoot. Yep it’s Diana Vickers Mark II. Not sure why we would possibly need another of those…not sure we particularly needed the first one.

Little Janet is playing the ‘poor me’ waif-card good and proper which should see her through a good number of weeks – until that Dolores O’Riordan-like vocal begins to grate

Misha Bryan

There’s no denying Misha has a big, rich voice. She will absolutely coast it this week. And she could make it right through to the very end if vocals were the only consideration.

But we all know that how they come across plays just as much with the public. Misha is well-versed in X Factor parlance: she burst into tears at the mere sight of Jennifer Hudson (and La Hudson hadn’t even started her usual full-throated assault on our ears). She talks in all the usual dream/family/want it so badly clichés. But viewers warm to spontaneity, not someone who has thumbed their way through ‘Reality Shows For Dummies’

Sophie Habibis

Sophie has a very pleasing vocal tone – you can spot the Adele influences a mile off but she is no mere imitator.

The problem she will have is asserting a strong sense of who she is in a year that has some big (read ‘annoying’) personalities. The fact she has been given quite a noticeable makeover since judges’ houses is an acknowledgement of this. And if she continues to sing with her eyes closed, shutting the audience out, she could end up sleepwalking her way out of the contest.

Amelia Lily

Not untalented, but Amelia seems to be struggling to make her mark so far. She has a gentle personality that doesn’t match up with the rock-chic aggression of her performances.

She’ll need more than her new pink hair to save her. Unless she has been given a stunning, crowd-pleasing song, she’ll be the one for the axe from the Girls category.

Gimlet says: Amelia will be burning her Destiny’s Child albums before the weekend is out

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The Boys

Craig Colton

Would it be cruel to suggest where former crisp-packer Craig Colton might have been packing the snacks? Oh it’s fine – he’s shed lots of weight thanks to Gary Barlow’s nutritionist’s advice. Funny that the public couldn’t be trusted to like him just as he is – if his talent has shone in the auditions, wouldn’t it have done the same on the live shows?

He might have lost some pounds, but Gary won’t be losing Craig any time soon.

Frankie Cocozza

You’re not the best singer Frankie – not my verdict, but that of his own mentor. Gary’s not wrong though. Not that will matter a jot.

He’s the most obvious pop star in the making. With his mop-top and his JLS-castoff clothing, teen girls everywhere will want him up on their walls. Our literal cheeky chappy will be with us for many weeks to come.

Marcus Collins

The 23-year old hairdresser certainly is happy to wheel out his tales of scrimping and crimping – couple this with a decent enough voice, and Marcus should have the makings of a good X Factor contestant.

His post-audition transformation to make him more ‘street’ in a Saturday-night-TV-friendly way will help him stand out from the others in the Boys category – safe in every sense.

James Michael

Despite a radio-friendly voice, James was probably the least memorable of the lads in his category.

He may have dropped his hat, glossed up his image but one of the others would have to drop the ball in a spectacular fashion for James to avoid an early exit.

Gimlet says: The ambitious Mr Barlow is not a gambler – and James doesn’t look like a winning bet

The cinematic versions of Asterix and Popeye were both big-screen turkeys but it looks like we are in for a treat judging by this sneaky peak at the forthcoming adventures of the intrepid young reporter and his faithful dog Snowy.

The good news is that Take a Chance on Me is not the Swedish hit-makers’ 1978 chart topper. The not-so-good news is that it’s a bit of an inoffensive mid-tempo ditty. Rather than following their own star and crafting original JLS material, this track sounds like a crib of all things current.

Whilst the opening bars are a variant of Jessie J’s Price Tag, by the time we reach the chorus you’ll be open-jawed at what a facsimile of the Bruno Mars contribution to Eminem’s Lighters it is. Taking the latest musical trends and repackaging them for the broadest possible mass market audience (can you imagine Eminem as the musical interlude in Red or Black?) – it is little short of commercial magpie-ism. If they carry on in this vein, they will be less JLS and more QVC.

The increasing dilemma the band will have to resolve is that their fan-base is very youthful. The pop market is notoriously fickle and as young pretenders like The Wanted and especially One Direction start nipping at their hi top trainers, JLS will struggle to keep appealing to their core market.

If Take A Chance on Me has an eye on an older market, they need a rethink. There’s no doubting Marvin, Oritsé, JB and Aston’s prodigious work ethic. And I’m sure it will look business as usual as the firework rainfall pours down behind them on X-Factor. But after the successful but frankly unconvincing She Makes Me Wanna and now this, could it be that the Jack the Lads are beginning to lose some of their Swing?

JLS - Take A Chance on Me
Vocals
Pleasant, workman-like
Music
Generic but radio-friendly

Overall
Safe and yet effective. Like round-edged scissors

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Take A Chance on Me by JLS is released on the 6th November – Click Here to Buy

Who is that slumped behind the wheel of the car that has just crashed into the back of a lorry?

Here’s a clue…the Corrie character was last seen in Weatherfield in June this year and no-one has known his exact whereabouts since his dramatic disappearance back then.

Another hint: his final words when we last saw him were “I have known perfect happiness. I am blessed”

It is….

….a rather disheveled-looking John Stape.

Yes, the education system’s worst nightmare, apart from Michael Gove MP, is heading back to the cobbles. And if you think he’s looking a tad bedraggled, it’s because Corrie’s latest serial killer has been sleep rough on the run in Ireland.

When Stape returns, it is rumoured that he is spotted by none other than his arch nemesis, Rosie Webster, and what else is your average neighbourhood psychopath going to do but kidnap the Street’s glamour model for a second time.

Unfortunate this repeated Rosie snatch goes wrong and John’s car will plough into the back of a lorry. Considering Stape previously managed to survive a 60-foot fall off the roof of Weatherfield General and still sat up Terminator-stylee without a scratch, it’s perhaps a surprise that this car crash stops him.

A deathbed confession to Fizz and the police is made by Stape at the hospital before he finally heads off to the great School Assembly Hall in the sky. This will pave the way to free the third Weatherfield One – as Fizz follows in the footsteps of jailbirds Deirdre and Gail back to freedom.

(Francois Hougaard – South Africa, James O’Connor – Australia, Sonny Bill Williams – All Blacks, Tommy Bowe – Ireland)

After a threadbare summer of television with the unsolicited return of Big Brother and the elephantine game show misfire Red or Black purporting to be highlights, it is no wonder that the second series of the period drama is so eagerly-anticipated.

So, in no particular order, here are 10 reasons why we love Downton so much…

It’s a visual feast

As the camera pans up the driveway towards the imposing country pile of the Grantham family (or Highclere Castle as it’s known in real life), we ready ourselves to inhale the refined air of a well-mounted costume drama

Julian’s Juggling Act

Writer and producer Julian Fellowes has pulled off an amazing balancing act of switching between the toffs upstairs and the staff downstairs, giving both parties equal screen-time and storylines

Characters You Care About

Don’t you just want to give Lady Mary a nudge to appreciate the abundant charms of cousin Matthew? Yes! Wouldn’t you love scheming lady’s maid O’Brien to be brought down a peg or two? Double Yes! Aren’t you on tenterhooks to see how cook Mrs Patmore is getting on after her cataract surgery? Er……

Dame Maggie

Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham, is a part that Maggie Smith was destined to play. A Lady Bracknell for a new generation, her acerbic bon-mots have the explosive power to rival the shells on the frontline that we’ll be encountering in series two. And incidentally…what is a weekend?

Pot-boiler Plots

The plots of Downton have the comfort of familiarity: a theft and the wrong person accused, romantic attraction being unacknowledged, a shameful secret and a lost fortune are all classic themes from drama, though the writer may wish the dessert sprinkled with salt incident did not resemble so closely a similar debacle in Chapter 11 of the book, Little Women.

Political Correctness be gone

It is delight that Downton is not shackled by a obligatory impulse towards political correctness. Particularly with the series’ chief male baddie, Thomas Barrow, the malevolent and self-serving first footman, we have a gay character who is neither a lovely person nor a victim. The brilliant Rob James-Collier plays a character who is such a nasty piece of work, the viewers are baying for his come-uppance, but deftly manages to sidestep any accusations of homophobia.

Not a maverick cop in sight

What a pleasure to have a drama programme that not centred round the emergency services. There are so many medical dramas (Casualty, Casualty 1900s, Holby City, The Royal, The Royal Today, The Royal Tomorrow, Monroe, Doctors, Doc Martin, Doctor Who) that I may be developing iatrophobia. And as for police dramas, if I see another mismatched pairing of opposites as policing partners or one more maverick cop who’s ready to break all the rules, I swear there will be, in the words of Taggart, a mur-durr!

Cost from mobiles may be considerably more

Isn’t it refreshing that ITV is investing in quality drama rather than foisting more revenue gathering feculence from the Cowell stable? How novel to experience an hour of primetime weekend telly without mention of a phone vote. (Though if the channel gets short of cash, an interactive service on a premium number could make them a fortune – “Push button one if you want William to give Thomas a good kicking”, “Push button two if you want Mr Bates and Anna to get it on”, “Push button three if you want Cora to change her expression”)

Totty for All Tastes

It seems superficial, amidst the lofty credentials of the show, to mention that there is a range of male eye candy to please all tastes….but what the hell. For fans of the bad boy, Thomas’ dark charms are seductive. Hugh Bonneville’s Earl of Grantham mixes decency with an aristocratic masterfulness. If you liked Dan Stevens’ dashing good looks as Matthew Crawley, wait til you see him in uniform. Not forgetting Brendan Coyle’s brooding, sombre Mr Bates, so strong yet vulnerable, caused much stirrings in the downstairs pantries across Britain

Spoof

It is the perfect show for spoofing as Uptown Downstairs Abbey proved on Red Nose Day 2011. With Jennifer Saunders indistinguishable from Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess, Olivia Coleman as O’Brien complete with knitted hair, Dale Winton as Thomas the evil footman, and Joanna Lumley bitterly miscast as the downstairs Mrs Danvers. And keeping the plates spinning is Simon Callow as Julian Fellows.

And this is our loss. Cabaret was never safe. It was an underground art form that was inextricably linked to danger and decadence. It was sexual, it was passionate and it was darkly glamorous. If you fear this is now a bygone age, then seek out Caroline Nin, the keeper of the cabaret flame.

Playing a week of shows at the newly-added Downstairs Room in the basement of the Soho Theatre, Nin transforms the fairly anonymous space into a wanton Cabaret bunker, evoking a suitably smoky atmosphere without contravening any health and safety rules. Dressed in fishnets, sequinned hot pants and a silky ivory bustier, Nin is every inch the sultry Gallic chanteuse.

Caroline sang for six years at the legendary home of French cabaret and the experiences and music of her time there has inspired this latest show, Songs and Stories of the Paris Lido. Transporting her audience, Caroline leads us by the hand through the corridors of the iconic Parisian venue past the feather-strewn dressing rooms of the famous Bluebell Girls dancers, past the smoke-filled clouds of the musicians, into the deep belly of the building to her dressing room.

Both in word and in song, Nin is true storyteller. With a voice of smoky as a Galloise and as rich as a deep red Bordeaux, she delivers a coquettish Wilkommen and later a vampish Mein Herr. Our chanteuse switches effortlessly between English, French, German and Spanish as if she is choosing between colours to embellish her captivating jazz tones. A dreamy hypnotic Whatever Lola Wants and a seductive cover of Grace Jones’ I’ve seen that Face Before (Libertango) contrast with the bunny-boiling intensity of Big Spender or the winking flirtatiousness of Deshabillez-moi (Undress Me).

Nin has a captivating stage presence but this is no aloof diva – she delights in engaging with the audience with warmth and a mischievous twinkle in her eye.  Assuming the persona of naughty Lola, she descends into the audience, searching for her wayward and neglectful lover Johnny amidst the cabaret tables. Alighting on an unlikely member of the audience, she mercilessly ribs the hapless fellow in mock chastisement. As “Johnny” squirms and the rest of the audience breathe a sigh of relief that it’s not them, the minxish singer judges the humour well, keeping the embarrassment on the playful side before returning to the stage.

There is an unexpected inclusion in the set list: beginning in French, her native tongue gives way to reveal I Will Survive as a surprise number. Whilst it demonstrates the populist impulse of the Lido and certainly is a crowd pleaser, it struck me as being unworthy of Nin’s talents or the sophistication of the ambience she had created. It felt insubstantial to me but perhaps others would enjoy the lightness of the disco classic. Me, I was never fond of soufflés.

A truly beguiling rendition of Jacques Brel’s La Chanson des Vieux Amants confirmed my belief that Nin’s strengths lie in mining the more anguished, dark veins of cabaret. As a singer who wears her Piaf and Dietrich influences on her sleeve, Caroline delivers the nuance of Torch Songs without any recourse to melodrama and that seems to be a dying art.

For a rare opportunity to see some true cabaret in expert (and satin-gloved) hands, then do not miss Caroline Nin’s Songs and Stories from the Paris Lido.

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Caroline Nin: Songs and Stories from the Paris Lido
Artist
A captivating cabaret artist - sexy, funny, engaging
Venue
Having a bit of an identity crisis, festival buzz but student-ish bar

Overall
Cabaret as it should be done - Don't Miss

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Caroline Nin: Songs and Stories of the Paris Lido, accompanied by Clifford Slapper

Tue 13 – Sat 17 September 7.45pm
Matinee Sun 18 September 4pm

At the Soho Downstairs, Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, London W1D 3NE

To Buy Tickets – Click Here